I remember Oscar.  I don’t have a picture of him.  He is kind of like the picture above.  He is the sweetest and most royal dog I grew up with.  He died when I was about to enter the university.  It’s kind of weird to miss him now, but I do.

I know it ain’t special til it’s your actual birthday, but I assert that this afternoon kinds of beats the rule.  My Mom also emailed me just now (to greet me and to say that my Dad kept reminding her of my birthday-which is like soooo my Dad-haha!), so adding everything together, that makes my point quite right.

My past few days have been rough and I don’t know why.  Or maybe I do know why but I choose not to mind.  I’ve learned that I’m not very good with emotions.  But on a more positive and pre-birthday note, here’s what I’ve learned at April 9, 2013 12:05 this afternoon:

Katrina:  I have a secret and promise not to tell anybody.  I’m turning 29 and I don’t know why I shouldn’t be afraid.

Thea (my student):  Well it’s just a number.  And I know a woman from our society (community) who is 102 years old, and she looks like she’s fine with it.  

At least that sorts of clarifies that a 9 year old can think better than I do.  It’s quite magical to think that my student’s words brought me more courage to take things forward and be a year older than before.

And this evening was all about words of wisdom from two women from two different continents.  So as I’m writing this, I’m feeling am happy and intoxicated as I just had a couple of roasted chicken, vodka and tequila shots with two interesting women:  an American pig-Arian and a New Zealander crab (who is not sure about her Chinese zodiac sign).  They’re the sexiest beasts in their 50’s- could be older, could be younger, but you get my point.  I thought they just invited me for the usual practice- dinner and some drinks.  But really, it turned out to be one of the best pre-birthday nights of my life.  Here’s what I’ve learnt at April 9, 2013 at 8:00 in the evening.

How to transfer the “hoohaah” inside the chicken.  How to roast the chicken with the “hoohaah”.  How to trust.  How young I still am. And that I’ve got so much to learn. That life surprises you.  Not just with a weather you don’t expect, but with a book about Annie, a coaster and a Body Shop lotion.  And that what matters most is The Dash. 

The Dash

by Linda Ellis copyright 1996

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone,
from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before. 

If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read,
with your life’s actions to rehash…
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?

Moment of birthday truth:  How am I spending my dash?

I don’t know what birthdays are for, really, it can just be any other day that we can all proclaim to be special.  But it’s not like it’s the ultimate of the ultimate of all disasters.   “Here are few hints that may help you get on the right track:  First, no one is going to tell you about it.  It’s like walking around all day with a sign on you back that says “Kick me.”  You must discover it for yourself…” says Bradley Trevor Greive

So I guess we’ll never know.

But I guess the meaning of birthdays is that it reminds me that yes, I can now be a bigger girl, not for my sake but for others as well.  It teaches us to live a life with no regrets, and that no matter how far we are, and how strange people can get, people care, and will remember you as much as you remember them.  And that life is a series of events and the most important thing is not the dates, but what you do with your days.

Cheers for being 29 (in like 30 minutes)!  And for having my birthday in a faraway place, for the first time in my life.  Forever young at heart, I promise.  Happy birthday to me.

“For whatever we lose (like a you or a me),
It’s always our self we find in the sea.”
― E.E. Cummings

I was so down and depressed the other day that for the first time in my life, I wanted to go home.  It was a Good Friday and my Friday wasn’t good at all.  Times like that, you look at your things, your life, and your flat with a huge magnifying glass. They become bigger as you become smaller.  Then you realize the irony of things.  Like how you get everything you want but you’re not happy.  Or you think you’re supposed happy but you’re not.  Like you feel so lonely that you want to be more alone.  I wasn’t able to sleep the whole night.   Revelation:  Living by yourself doesn’t exactly make you a grown up.  It only makes you want to be a little girl, once again.

The next morning, my body had to rise from the dead. Indu is coming to clean my flat.  I was feeling sober from all the thoughts and questions and crying.  I made myself Elaichi tea, and I stared at it as the tea twirled and created lines and circles in my mug.  I was hoping for a figure.  I was hoping for an answer.  I was happy to see Indu.  She speaks Hindi, I speak English and we manage to pretend that we understand each other.  At least I understood “pani”.  She wanted pani before she left, and she asked with confidence and with a smile.  Honestly, I was surprised by it.  Never in my life did a cleaner ask water from me, it was sort of weird.  We usually ask our cleaners to get us water. She went to my water dispenser, but I thought she deserved my mug and some cold water from the ref.  Then we said our goodbyes.  I continued staring at my tea, til I finished it and there’s nothing to stare at anymore.

Doorbell rings.  A cleaner asked me to sign this log book and comment on how they cleaned my floor.  As always, my epic comment:  “Great :)”.  Just when I’m about to close the door, she told me things and “pani” with a smile.  She wanted water.  I’m like:  Really? This was of course odd for me. So I went and got my mug, and got her cold water. But it wasn’t for her, it was for the other cleaner she was with.  Before I closed my door, she asked once again for pani, this time for herself.  So I went and refilled my mug with some cold water.  I thought that was weird.  One thing’s for sure- the trilogy was over.  I’ve never had random people knock on my door for water.  Three ladies, asking for water.  It was a Black Saturday, but I think there’s a bit of light that came through.

I could’ve just easily resorted to the conclusion that there was once a day in Mumbai when everyone suddenly got thirsty.   That would have been a great fairytale.  But it felt more mysterious than it should be.  Why now?  Why three?  Why water?  Is this even normal?  But the thing is, I don’t know.  Why now?  What’s normal?  Maybe it is normal for random people to knock on your door and ask for water.  I was too sad to think, anyways.  Although whatever it was, I felt happy that I had something to give.  And damn it wasn’t just water- it was the cold water on a hot Mumbai morning.

Today I woke up feeling well rested.  Mumbai is sunny and it seems like a really beautiful day.  At least a better day.  I thought of experimenting for my lunch- Spaghetti with medium spice curry sauce and tomatoes.  Days like this, you look at your things, your flat and your life with magic glasses where you’re able to see that huge elephant in the room:  You are so blessed.  I think the holy three days reminded me that life is everything except what we expect it to be. We would always be thirsty, always thirsty for something whether you are someone who is in your almost thirty with a job that you want but seems lost in the middle of the world, or a mere simple cleaner.  But the good news is that the cold water is just in the kitchen.  You should know exactly where to get it.  Revelation:  It’s not being away and being independent that makes me a grown up.  It’s me turning 29 in two weeks and happy admitting that I’d always be a beginner in life. Failure is just right at the corner, and the past is long gone.  Wherever we are and whatever we do, there would always be sad and confusing moments, but life is a product of the choices we make.  We could always choose to move on, we could always choose to accept, we could always choose to be braver, we could always choose to be stronger, we could always choose to be happier.  It’s not easy and damn it, I always forget.  But that’s why the three ladies came, asking for water. Today is Easter Sunday.